FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21st CENTURY

Once upon a time,
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in a land far away,
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a beautiful, independent,
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self-assured princess
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happened upon a frog as she sat,
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contemplating ecological issues
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on the shores of an unpolluted pond
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in a verdant meadow near her castle.
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The frog hopped into the princess' lap
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and said: "Elegant Lady,
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I was once a handsome prince,
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until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
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One kiss from you, however,
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and I will turn back
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into the dapper, young prince that I am
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and then, my sweet, we can marry
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and setup housekeeping in your castle
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with my mother,
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where you can prepare my meals,
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clean my clothes, bear my children,
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and forever
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feel grateful and happy doing so.
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That night,
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as the princess dined sumptuously
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on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs
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seasoned in a white wine
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and onion cream sauce,
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she chuckled and thought to herself:
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I don't freakin think so.

Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some. 

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.

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Feel the burn.

Fun with the English Language

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
 2) The farm was used to produce produce.
 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
 4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.  And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?  If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?  

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?  If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.  English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

A man was speeding when he saw the sirens go off behind him. He continued down the road for several miles before finally pulling over. The officer walked up to the car and said to him, "It has been a long day and I'm tired. If you can give me a good reason, that I have not heard before, for why you did not pull over right away; I'll let you go."

Without missing a beat, the man explained, "Last week my wife ran off with a police officer, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The police officer turned around, got back in his car and left.

You´re right this is *not funny*,hehehe

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
REAL WOMEN - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
REAL WOMEN - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink.   You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to  prevent ice cream drips.
REAL WOMEN - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag  with the potatoes.
REAL WOMEN - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
REAL WOMEN - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
REAL WOMEN - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
REAL WOMEN - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip....
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
REAL WOMEN -  What leftover wine?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

>There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
>years.They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They
>had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had
>a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband
>never to open or ask her about.
>
>For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
>the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
>recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down
>the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside so
>that he could know what was in the box.
>
>When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money
>totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
>
>"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the
>secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I
>ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
>
>The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two
>precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
>times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
>happiness.
>
>"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this
>money? Where did it come from?"
>
>"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies.
>
>A Prayer......Dear Lord,
>
>I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
>Love to forgive him;
>And Patience for his moods;
>Because Lord, if I pray for Strength
>I'll beat him to death.
>Amen! 

Incompetent Criminals

A popular fast-food chain was the victim of two cases of criminal incompetency.  In one case, five suspects wearing colorful bandanas robbed the eatery, and after making their alleged getaway, one of them tossed his bandana out the car's window.  It snagged on the radio antenna and acted like a beacon for pursing police.

A woman wearing a mask robbed the restaurant where she had once worked.  Her mask didn't hide her waist length red hair, which was instantly recognized by former co-workers.   8)