Hello all,
I really need some advise on how to leave my husband. Im a nervous wreck with him, he drinks a lot and verbally abuses me calling me horrible names which are knocking my confidence. He also gives me no money and as i am studying i get very little money, but i finish in September.My course is 37.5 hours a week and i also travel for 20 a week so a job is out of the question at the moment.

This is my 2nd marriage and i feel a failure but i cant go on like this. I dont have any close friends and my parents are not very supportive. I have 14 year old daughter and now hes starting on her, he can do what he wants to me but not my girl. He dragged her by her hair the other day for answering him back which i flew at him for, now hes saying im a bad mother and if i leave him he will report me.

Im sorry to put this on you guys, ive only been on the boards 2 minutes but you seem a friendly lot from what ive seen so hope you dont mind.

Joanna xxx

Hi Joanna,

I'm not really sure how to help with your situation as it sounds pretty serious.  My only thought would be to call the police if or when your husband becomes physical with you or your daughter again.  

Hopefully others can respond with more helpful advice.

I am sorry you are going through something like this :(

It sounds like he needs to join AA and if you want a divorce you need to find a good lawyer.  I do not believe in divorce but in cases like this it is almost justified.

I would take La Diosa's advice and call the police when he get's that way.

But if you want to save the marriage I would suggest finding a good marriage counselor.

Jerry

You need to start documenting the abuse.  Calling the police and making a report is one way to begin-especially if there's violence involved.

Are they any shelters you can go to for abused women and children?

For now, forget about feeling like a failure-you need to get safe and take care of your daughter.  After you do, get some counseling because until you understand what happenend in your childhood to hurt your selfesteem, you will make the same choices because that's what you learned to accept.

Talk to your school and see if you can change your schedule-cut it in half so you can work.  It may change your plans, but can you and your daughter afford to wait?  The damage to your daughter's self esteem and how it hurts her to see you being abused (which is what she is learning to accept from men because she sees you doing it) can not be fixed without therapy.  She's at an age where relationships with males become more important.  Don't let this guy you're with be the type of guy she looks for.  The cycle of abuse is very difficult to change and we don't want her to embrace being a victim-which is something you need to look at for yourself.

I wish you the best-pray to whomever you choose that helpful people will appear in your life to help you out of your current situation.  You must be open to accepting this help and be willing to have your life completely change from what it is now, or it will drag on and on, creating more damage or you will repeat it, and then so will your daughter in her choices.

Step One: Call a battered women's shelter or some sort of hotline.  You are in an abusive situation and you are in danger.  You may be telling yourself that it isn't that bad; he won't kill you for heaven's sake, and what are we all getting so excited about?  You may be right.

For now.

Behavior like this does not fix itself, and abusive men do not get better on their own.  You have already seen the behavior escalate from just you to you and your daughter.  You are absolutely right you need to get out now.

But where will you go?  

That is where the shelter/hotline comes in.  If they want a police report before they'll take you make one.  Talk to them and find out your options as far as living expenses go.  Perhaps your parents will be more supportive when they see you act.

Step Two: Talk to the academic advisor at your school.  I used to be an academic advisor, and I am willing to bet there is some sort of program that can help you.  The advisor should know what it is.  At the very least, the advisor can help you negotiate with your professors for the classes you are taking now, and help you create a plan for next semester.  If you are close to graduation, perhaps there are internships in your field you can apply for.  The advisor can also help you balance your classes with a work schedule, which you will probably have to begin.

Step Three: Get counseling.  This is your second marriage, and you picked a troubled man.  I know nothing about your first marriage and why it ended, but clearly you need to know what the signs were in this relationship and why you a) didn't see or b) ignored them.  

I know it my case I thought I could "fix" my man.  I thought I was strong enough for both of us.  

I was wrong.

I agree with what the others have said.   GET HELP.  Most communities have some sort of arrangement for shelter for women/families in your situation.  Making a police report helps support your case and gets you "on the books".  They may also be able to refer you to an agency that can provide help.  If you have a United Way in your area, they usually have a hotline for referrals.  Your doctor's office can also help you find help if you can't find it any other way.  You and your daughter's safety should be your number 1 priority, then deal with work/school issues.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

The other ladies have given some helpful suggestions already. But one other thing that would be beneficial to both you and your daughter is learning self defense. Take a class. In fact, take lots of them. It's the best form of therapy that I know. Not only does it teach you how to prevent abusive behavior, it also helps to change the way that you think. Change the way that you think and everything else will change with it. You're ready.

I've been where you are, hon. And I'll pray for you.
All the best.

As as student, is there someone you can talk to such as a teacher or advisor?
This is a SERIOUS situation. No one should treat you like that. That type of behavior is sickening. There are many hot-lines, and organizations focused at helping women in your situation.
Try google, you're not alone, there are many people in your situation, and more that want to help!

You've gotten some great advise and I do hope you follow it. (((hugs))  

thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your replies. I have spoke to an accademic support teacher at university today about my situation and she is looking into finding emergency housing for me and my daughter, though she said it will take up to a week for something to turn up. I can cope with him for 1 week, will just keep out of his way.

Its not going to be easy moving out because i dont want him knowing im going but hes rostered for nights for the next week so my friends husbands on call to drive me wherever with his van.

I feel a lot better now i know things are going to change, its just me and my girl that matters he can take a running jump as far as im concerned.

Thanks again for all of your support and prayers, there much appreciated. I will let you all know of any developments.

Joanna