I often feel that I have not lived my life well.  I came across a little story lately that helps me to understand how this has come to be. Here is the story:

"A Cherokee elder sitting with his grandchildren told them, “In every life there is a terrible fight—a fight between two wolves. One is evil: he is fear, anger, envy, greed, arrogance, self-pity, resentment, and deceit. The other is good: joy, serenity, humility, confidence, generosity, truth, gentleness, and compassion.” A child asked, “Grandfather, which wolf will win?” The elder looked him in the eye. “The one you feed.”"

Have I been feeding the wrong wolf?  I have lately been coming to the conclusion that I have one last chance to be the person I would like to be.  This later stage of my life can be lived well.  I would like to be a successful old person, that is, to be good at being old.  I am not what most people would call "old" yet.  I will be 56 at the end of this month, but now is the time to take stock of where I am and where I am going.  It's very scary.  I look around and see many very unhappy people.  Is it this way everywhere, or is it the circle I live in?  Are we all feeding the wrong wolf?  I resolve, at least for today, to feed the good wolf.  The evil wolf has grown so strong over the years that it will take continuing resolve to let him starve when he begs for attention.    

I find that story seriously worth contemplation........we all come to a time in our life when we decide to sit ourselves down and think about alot of times,places,things to do or have done or not done......when we get up we hope there is resolution,hope,expectation,action,reaction and most of all peace within ourselves for what we have thought over,will do,won't do or will put into action.  Silvermane,all you need to be is the best you are and as long as you know and feel you are a good person;then that,I believe will eminate from within you.
When you breathe in good, pure, white light,then a rainbow of exhalation is breathed out of you if you truly believe what you are is good..................

I love that story.  Every time I hear it it resonates with me.

Consider your Gemini nature, both wolves get fed from time to time.
Choose the qualities you wish to feed.  It is never to late, because we have today, now.  Tomorrow when you wake up it will be again.
As the Buddha said, we must be the light we want to see in the world.
Free yourself from labeling good and evil, both serve a purpose in the lessons we experience.
If being good at being old is what you want, you will create it.  I offer up to you thanking the "evil" wolf for the gifts through lessons it has brought you and it will diminish its strength.  Nature abhors a vaccuum-what you resist persists.  Acknowledgement lets the energy keep flowing so it can move on, denial sticks it to you like glue.  Super glue.

Thanks for reminding me of this lovely story.  :)

wrote on Jun 3^rd, 2006 at 4:05pm:

I often feel that I have not lived my life well.  .

Silvermane, I deal with this struggle daily. I feel your struggle. I'll be 50 in less than 2 months. I constantly feel I've wasted my life and creative abilities.

There is no fight lately. The bad wolf won. The good wolf cowers in fear and lives on the scraps left by the evil one. In fact, the evil one is strong enough to live on it's own and has just finished consuming the hand that fed it.

Why?
Well, it seems every one of those bad wolf traits, (except deceit), descibes me lately.

Well, this last two months, especially the last three weeks have seen so much go wrong that it would make your teeth curl.

That's not even counting the migraines and the nightmares this is causing!

I admit I am unable to fight the bad wolf alone.  That is one of the reasons I find it necessary to (continually)throw myself on the Mercy Seat...to believe that the Passion of Christ is meant for me and He has won the victory over the bad wolf for me.

It is never too late to change.  Each new day is the beginning of the rest of your life.  Recognizing the desire for change is a big step - go ahead and take it!

Good luck on your future.

A common mistake is to think that only big choices count. Many people believe that everyday moral choices aren't important because they are so small. But they do, and it means that every day there are many opportunities to make the right choice and enhance your good side. Any learning takes time, but if you just won't give up, you will succeed in improving yourself.

I have come to the conclusion that happiness depends mostly of state of mind and the shape of one's character. Many people are unhappy because they have lead lives pursuing unimportant, petty goals and have too often refused to listen their conscience. This leads to a character that is unable to experience happiness, only fleeting pleasures. Those people believe that happiness is something that can be achieved- which is not true. Instead, happiness is a way of existing in world.
   When your conscience is pure and you are in peace with yourself, knowing that though you are not perfect, you are spending each tray on a quest to improve yourself- then you are happy.

Galadriel, I agree.  I have seen too many people live the life you talked about.  Such people are miserable and make others feel bad.  Happiness is not things or how you can screw some one over.  I have family memebers who have wasted alot of there lives keeping up with the Jones and negliecing the rest of the family.  I think it's horrid, they never enjoy the little things in life and from time to time thing I'm off my rocker for doing just that.

Thanks for sharing this story.

Hi Silvermane,

I read the story and recognised myself in the bad wolf until only a few months ago, maybe a year. I really can't remember when or why it happened, but these days I find I want to make others smile. I am friendly to people I meet, smile at those I pass in the street and generally try and treat people I come across with kindness and a happy to help attitude. I know I feel happier in myself too but which came first I don't know, me wanting to be a nicer person or me feeling happier. Funnily enough I happened to mention this change in myself to my sister a few days ago. Perhaps it is age, I am 56 too. Since I realised this was happening I have resolved to carry on the way I am going. I certainly get very positive reactions from people.

A popular bumper sticker a number of years ago has always stuck with me.....

"Practice random acts of kindness"

I found this a great motto to live by, along with the Golden Rule of treating others as you would like to be treated.  

Life is sooo much better when you are happy with yourself.

So true. And it is a lot easier to be nice to people than grumpy.

Jules.