FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21st CENTURY

Once upon a time,
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat,
~~~~~~~~
contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: "Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
~~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and setup housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever
~~~~~~~~
feel grateful and happy doing so.
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't freakin think so.

The following is (supposedly) a true story.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and then drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Brings new meaning to a senior moment.

Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.  

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.

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Feel the burn.

As long as we are "exercising", how about exercising our brains??  How many did you get correct?

BRAIN TEASERS

1. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how many months have 28 days?

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

3. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a woodburning stove, which would you light first?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

7. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?

8. How far can a dog run into the woods?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?


11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

13. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?

14. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?

15. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?



ANSWERS:



1. All 12 have 28 days

2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

3. Light the match first.

4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.



6. Yes, and a 5th, a 6th, ...

7. I thought Noah brought 2 of each animal, not Moses

8. Halfway, then he would be running out of the woods.

9. The time/month/date/year of an American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.

10. No. You can't marry someone if you're dead!


11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

12. The temperature.

13. A half-dollar and a nickel. (Only one was not a nickel)

14. 9 sheep

15. 70

Fun with the English Language

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
 2) The farm was used to produce produce.
 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
 4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.  And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?  If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?  

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?  If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.  English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

[Note: I have no idea if this "story" has any truth to it or not, but it sure is funny]


The Dayton Daily News published the winning entries in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition.  1st place in Humor category by Leigh Anne Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon just killed me, so I am passing it along to all
you.

"The First Time's Always the Worst" The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on fire.

That's what happened to me.  The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister - right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body).  Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that. Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise.

I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded.  Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and still attached to my body. "Oh no!" Gail said loudly.  These are perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any
health professional.  Suddenly, she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door.  She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!" OK, I was wrong, 'The
machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear from a health professional.  Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question. I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't have escaped.

I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working). I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions.  But then I started to smell smoke
coming from behind the partition.

"This is ridiculous," I thought.  I can't die like this. What would they put in my obituary?  Cause of death:  breast entrapment? I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate.

An imaginary fireman rushed in with a firehose and a hatchet.  "Howdy, ma'am," he said.  "What's happened here?"  he asked, averting his eyes. "My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again.  "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!" In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine.  "Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened.  Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?" I think that's what she said.

I was running across the parking lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I figured I might go back.  But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.

The end.

A man was speeding when he saw the sirens go off behind him. He continued down the road for several miles before finally pulling over. The officer walked up to the car and said to him, "It has been a long day and I'm tired. If you can give me a good reason, that I have not heard before, for why you did not pull over right away; I'll let you go."

Without missing a beat, the man explained, "Last week my wife ran off with a police officer, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The police officer turned around, got back in his car and left.

Things I've learned from my kids.....

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

Things I've Learned From My Children (honest & no kidding)

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.  (Please all you adult men out there , even though it is very tempting ...DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!!)

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Playdoh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably don't want to know what that smell is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in any city USA has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a child is wonderful... YA RIGHT !!!!      

You´re right this is *not funny*,hehehe ;D

Dog Letters to God

Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!   Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'? (Ed. of course, there is the Greyhound bus!)

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
I will not munch on the "Kat Krunchies^®" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

and......

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
REAL WOMEN - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
REAL WOMEN - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink.   You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to  prevent ice cream drips.
REAL WOMEN - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag  with the potatoes.
REAL WOMEN - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
REAL WOMEN - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
REAL WOMEN - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
REAL WOMEN - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip....
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
REAL WOMEN -  What leftover wine?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

Hi

Just come back from holiday feeling fed up with being back to work and read all the above that I missed.

It really made my day and cheered me.  ;D

Maz

>There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
>years.They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They
>had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had
>a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband
>never to open or ask her about.
>
>For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
>the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
>recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down
>the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside so
>that he could know what was in the box.
>
>When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money
>totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
>
>"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the
>secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I
>ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
>
>The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two
>precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
>times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
>happiness.
>
>"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this
>money? Where did it come from?"
>
>"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies.
>
>A Prayer......Dear Lord,
>
>I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
>Love to forgive him;
>And Patience for his moods;
>Because Lord, if I pray for Strength
>I'll beat him to death.
>Amen!  ;D

Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in haiku:

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Incompetent Criminals

A popular fast-food chain was the victim of two cases of criminal incompetency.  In one case, five suspects wearing colorful bandanas robbed the eatery, and after making their alleged getaway, one of them tossed his bandana out the car's window.  It snagged on the radio antenna and acted like a beacon for pursing police.

A woman wearing a mask robbed the restaurant where she had once worked.  Her mask didn't hide her waist length red hair, which was instantly recognized by former co-workers.   8)

Amazing!

"Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is
taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae
the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as
a wlohe.


Fcuknig amzanig huh?"

Lol blue screen of death!!!!!

wrote on Sep 21^st, 2003 at 4:44pm:

Amazing! The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Fcuknig amzanig huh?"

Sure is, I could read everything with no problem at all!  ;D

It's so funny, I just received the same thing written in my own language and a couple of minutes afterwards I encounter this one here, lol

Yes, indeed it's strange how the mind works :o