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Hair Schtick: Bad Hair Humor for Bad Hair Days

Because sometimes you look in the mirror and you just have to, well... laugh.

Get a load of the hair shaped to fit the hat! We at the LongLocks HairSticks Boutique know how frustrating hair can be. It won't grow, it won't curl, it won't stay straight, it won't do what you want it to do... it just won't. And then it rains, and not only will it "won't," it will frizz into something resembling a pot scrubby the cat attacked or fall flat as a pancake. Not to mention that the lovely shade of dusty purple isn't exactly what you were after when you went for a true blue black, and you definitely won't be doing that again.

Then there's the worst hair day of them all, and one we're all familiar with: the horror of the Really Bad Haircut...
Susan Maxwell Schmidt Visual Fine Art

It's happened to everyone at some time or another. Maybe your favorite celebrity removed her hair extensions and is now sporting a pixie cut and you were sure you'd look great with one too, only now that you've done the dirty deed... well, not so much. (Why yes, I am looking at you Beyonce, I see that lasted all of five minutes). Alas, in addition to a whole bunch of bad hair days in your future, you now have red eyes and are all kinds of puffy from crying your eyes out because you hate it even though logic tells you it will eventually grow out and it's "just hair" and just oh shut up, I hate my stylist for doing this to me, it's all her/his fault, and I wonder if I can sue for mental anguish. Yup, we've all been there.

Well, when you're having a bad hair day, don't let it get you down too much. Instead of heading for the nearest bottle of hair color, pair of scissors or even a razor, come and enjoy just a little really bad (and we do mean really bad) hair humor. If that's what you're looking for we promise that unlike your hair or your stylist, we won't let you down! (And if you really did chop your lovely locks off and hate your new look, head over to our Ultimate Guide to Growing Long Hair and cheer up a little. Afterall, the first and definitely hardest step is done!)

Just to make things extra fun and get your mind off your bad hair day, we've hidden a little "Easter egg" on this page! Can you find it?

Let it Grow!

(sung to the tune of "Let it Snow!")
Lyrics by S. M. Schmidt (with profound apologies to Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne)

Oh my newly bobbed hair is frightful
My long hair was so delightful
That stylist is now my foe
Let It Grow! Let It Grow! Let It Grow!

My tears are finally drying
Cut the damage due to dyeing
I'll let it turn white as snow
Let It Grow! Let It Grow! Let It Grow!

It doesn't show signs of stopping
My butt it will soon be topping
Only one more foot to go
Let It Grow! Let It Grow! Let It Grow!

ReallyREALLYReally BAD Hair Jokes

Don't blame me, I didn't write 'em!

The Bad Hair Cat Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray.
How does the barber cut the moon's hair?
Eclipse it.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
"Middle age is when a woman's hair begins to turn from gray to brown."
Then there was the man who got in legal trouble for stepping over Rapunzel's hair, which trailed on the floor. He was arrested for tresspassing.
There were three boys deciding which color of suit they should wear to Prom. The first boy said, "Let's decide by following the color of our dad's hair. My dad's hair is black, so I'm wearing black."
The second boy said, "My dad's hair's white, so I'm going to wear white."
The third boy said, "Boy, am I glad we decided to do this, now I don't have to decide!"
"Why?" the other two boys asked.
"Because my father doesn't have hair!"
A man went in to a bar, sat down and ordered a drink. Because it was early, there was no one else around except the bartender. The man reached for the pretzels and as he started to eat one he heard, "Hey, pssst, nice pants!"
"Did you say something?" he said to the bartender.
"No."
"Hmmm, maybe I'm hearing things," he thought.
He started eating the pretzels again and heard, "Psst, hey! Nice shirt!"
"You said something, didn't you?" he said to the bartender.
"No, I didn't. What are you talking about?"
"Nevermind." He went back to the pretzels, looking around warily from side to side. Then he heard it again.
"Psst! Nice haircut!"
"All right, that's it!" the man said, jumping up. "Someone keeps saying things like, 'Nice hair,' and I *know* I'm not going crazy!"
"Oh!" said the bartender. "I know what that is! It's the pretzels! They're complimentary!"
Why did the hairdresser put lipstick on her head?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.
(submitted by Ann Sarich)

One of our long-time customers, Sher Pond, sent us this note on one of her more creative days:

I'm a little loopy after receiving my last shipment of LongLocks HairSticks--wow! Here is a little "Ode to My Hairsticks" that I penned for fun. I'm a little disturbed, I know! But oh, what sweet insanity! Tee hee!

"An Ode to my Hairsticks"

Oh magnificent hairsticks
my love and my bane
I try to resist you
I struggle in vain

You shimmer and sparkle
so precious, so bright
You're uttlerly captivating
wands of light

A princess am I
No! A queen!
adorned with your radiance
I glisten! I gleam!

Unique as you are
each stick like no other
my desire knows no end
I must have another!

One thing is certain
oh hairsticks my friends
this passion I have for you
never will end!


And yet another of our favorite customers, Shannan Arney, has graced us with some of her fabulous (not to mention very flattering) original poetry! Thank you Shannan!

"Confessions of a Hair Stick Junkie"

O those sticks are so perfect,
Their colors sublime,
I shiver, I twitch, I reach for my card,
I simply must make them mine!

The crystals do beckon
With their shimmery light.
It's never even a question,
It's the urge I cannot fight.

Hand-made lamp-work beads,
Exquisite examples of the craft,
I can't pass those up!
I'd have to be daft!

My collection is growing,
My precious, perfect jewels.
If it says "Long Locks",
It rules!

My hair is my vanity,
My hair sticks my delight,
Every single design
Is executed exactly right.

Susan's a genius,
You simply must agree.
Take a look at her wares,
Go look, go see!

Every design's a treasure,
I can never pass them by.
My Visa's filed a restraining order,
But it'll do as I say or die!

O those sticks are so perfect,
Susan, I bow to thee.
My joy is so boundless
When First Editions come to me!


Me as a child... I had obvious issues, and it wasn't just the hair

Despite being cursed with *really* bad hair as a child,
I had my heart set on being the first topless ballerina
to take top honors at Wimbeldon and win the
Academy Award for Best Dramatic Actress.

In my family, I'm the normal one. Yes... yes I am.

And now for a little story of my own: When I was in my early thirties I worked as the help desk administrator in the IT department of a plastics company. I had a blonde secretary named Debbie who was not only drop dead gorgeous but also happened to be both brilliant and hilarious. This period of time happened to be when blonde jokes were at their peak, and because Debbie was my friend and I knew her disposition allowed it, I teased her mercilessly by making it a point to start each day by sharing with her the latest blonde joke I'd heard.

One day I walked into work and Debbie was waiting for me outside my office door. "What's up?" I asked.

Debbie replied with a straight face, "Oh nothing important, I just have a question for you. Do you now how many brunettes it takes to change a light bulb?"

"No, but I have a feeling you're gonna tell me!" I laughed.

She smiled slyly and responded, "I don't know either, but I do know they have all Saturday night to do it!"

I immediately declared her the winner and that was the last hair color joke ever told in that office. True story! :D

Have a hair joke you'd like to share? Send it to us and we'll be happy to consider it for Hair Schtick! We won't post anything worse than PG rated but we'll *read* anything (except blonde jokes).